Extract from Pearce Morgan’s letter, read by the UN lawyer, Antonio Uttereson

“My dear sir, I have suffered an interminable horror from which I fear no release will ever exist on the horizon. So, I will just leave you with this. In a desperate letter from my dear friend, Dr America, he advised me to host an individual at the dead of night with whom I must conduct an interview for the multitude.

And so it transpired, at that dreadful hour of nocturnal intrigue, I heard a crude knock on the door to which I assented entry. And there emerged an older individual, stinking of phosphorous and burning flesh, dressed in the combat attire of the IDF, large ears, dark smouldering eyes like molten rock, a wide face and imperious bearing. But there was something else about this man, something so rank, and so misbegotten that as I watched him, I saw thousands of burning souls in his wake, countless strikes from the air, an orphaned, pulverised city, and ethnically cleansed, searing earth. I felt as though vomit would envelope me and an unearthly sickness began to take root.

However, desperate to accomplish this business, I initiated my intercourse with this damned fellow, on my live channel, a steady audience of ten thousand tuning in, when all of a sudden, his cheeks began contorting, his eyes widened like a lizard’s, melting into shades of red, white, blue, and stars seemed to dazzle momentarily. Then he bowed his head, I was already consumed in a state of infernal horror, when he looked up, and there, as if a cadaver brought back to the world of living, there stood my erstwhile colleague, Dr America!

And so he told me what he told me, and I heard what I heard, and now a deadly terror sits on my screen, and I wince every time I look at Rupert. Sleep has left me, and my viewing numbers are dwindling.

You may think that I talk of nonsensical impossibilities, but let me tell you this as gravely as I can Mr Uttereson, that the man who entered my room was none other than Mr Netanyahu, a wanted criminal, under an arrest warrant for crimes against humanity on the command of the ICJ. But the one who left my room, to my unending horror, was a man I once considered the man of the free, the epitome of justice, freedom and equality, Dr America…

PS: Mr Uttereson- just a final inquiry- Do you support HAMAS?