(This memo was discovered online by freedom activist, Bobby Tomminson, using extensive investigative journalism and google searches, for example, evil-Muslim-plots, Islamic-invasion-plan and all-Muslims-are-ISIS- though he later had to receive counselling for mistyping Muslim-Bomb to Muslim-bumb.)



Dear Brothers and Sisters,

First, we will infiltrate the language, word by word. We will demand that one or two of our words are adopted to promote community cohesion. So instead of common words like magazine, we will replace it with… (wait, magazine is already from Arabic- makhzan/khazana) Okay, instead of their numbers, we will replace them with Arabic numerals… (oh, hang about, the numbers are already Arabic), well, instead we will replace words they are fond of like alcohol.. (oh, that’s from al-kuhul- Arabic again) and when they get older, they will live in one of our words- bungalow… (but that’s already from Bengali/Hindi/Urdu).

Okay forget all that, let’s start with consonant sounds then. We will tell them to change their (Ka) sound to our Arabic (Kha) and give them a story that it harks back to their Gaelic roots. And we will tell them to drop the (g) consonant for a universal (j). So, instead of Kylie Minogue, they will have to say Khylie Minoj. That’s it! Lots of others will go after that: instead of Kate Moss, it will be Khate Mosque, and instead of Calvin Klein, it will be Khalvin Khan.  

Then, we will make in-roads to islamify their diet. Right, so we start to encourage them to eat curry instead of fish and chips… Okay, so they are already eating plenty of curry, more than us actually… Let’s see then, instead of their pork, we secretly replace it with meat from the pork farms all over the Muslim world, like Turkey. So instead of haram pork, they will have Turkey pork.   

Subsequently, we will demand that they speak not only our language, but also our second and third languages as well. So we will implant the idea that they all speak Standard English.

After that, we will send in our Trojan horses: fashion, films and music for their young. We will insist on political correctness and inclusion, so they will have to wear what our youth are wearing in Muslim countries- jeans and t-shirts- and we will enforce the inclusion of music popular in Muslim countries like Justin Bieber, Snoop Dog and films like Matrix.

But the icing on the cake, our crown jewel, our mother of infiltrations will be through the Queen herself. We will implant the idea, ever so slowly, that the Queen has her roots in… Scotland… And in Scotland, their accent is like Arabs, so therefore, the Queen herself must be…

Insha Allah, by clever, insidious, gradual manoeuvring we will ensure that the world will be Muslim and that every place will inherit our ability to repel foreign influences and ways.

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About Novid Shaid

I am a Muslim writer and English teacher. I have written poetry, short stories, a play, and I am currently working on a novella. My subject matter and themes are related to Islam, Sufism, politics and also my job as a secondary school teacher. My work is copyrighted and any works published here may not used or copied without my prior consent. You can contact me via the "Contact Me" page, if you wish to use any these writings. I am keen to gain the notice of publishers and if any are interested in my writings, please contact me via the "Contact Me" page. Was salaam, Peace

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