Once, upon a hellish train
That my memory will never expel
I travelled down to Tunbridge Wells
With the Mozlamic infidels!

I walked along the corridors
Searching for an empty carriage
Each one was packed none could relax
Three more were along the passage
I went into the first one,
And was about to take a seat
When I glanced upon the passenger
And my skin began to creep.
His eyes were cold and dark like graves
His beard was wild and wavy
He wore a t-shirt with a quote
“Come to ISIS baby!”
He looked at me right up and down

And was seething with outrage
But before I could exit the place
He roared a great tirade:
“Look at you! Look at you!
You Muslim Uncle Tom!
You’re worse than kuffar, you really are!
I can kill you with a bomb
You sold your soul you big a-hole!
You kiss the arse of kuffar
Instead of making war on them
You vote in their referenda!
Look at you! Look at you!
Don’t even say a word
If you stay here any longer
I’ll beat you like a goat herd!”
The shock of his frenzied comments
Made me flushed and rather dizzy
So I left and tried the next carriage
It also seemed quite empty
I was just about to take a rest
And gather up my senses
When I noticed the other passenger
And his look made me defensive
His eyes were dry like the sands of Dubai
And his smirk was condescending
The Sun and Daily Mail, he held
He spoke, twisted and menacing:
“Look at you! Look at you!
You filthy little Muslim!
Taqiyya foaming out of your mouth!
Go jump on a pile of pigskin!
Go back to the slums from where you come
You don’t deserve to be here
You made our country stink of curry!
And now you want Sharia!
Look at you! Look at you!
With all your false outrage!
We can’t trust your filthy words
Get lost, just go away!”
So I moved off from this loon
Feeling a rising flurry
At this point I was in desperate need
Of a plate of chicken curry!
His outbursts made me stumble out
Into the corridor
Inadvertently I walked into
The next available door
Before I could steady my breaths
I noticed this cool dude
He sat there with designer beard
And a pompous attitude
“Look at you! Look at you!
You barbaric Islamist
You take Quran so literally
And prayer you can’t resist
Why are you so damn obsessed
With God and holy seasons?
Just follow what makes sense to you
There’s no god but reason
You’re giving us a real bad name
We’re the laughing stock of the English
When in Rome be as Romans are
Assimilate or be extinguished
Look at you! Look at you!
Your faith needs to reform
Soon your sort will all die out
Science will be our norm”
I stepped aside and wandered on
On this relentless, charging train
Only one carriage was left
I had to take the strain.
I stepped into the compartment
Shuddering at who might be there
And the two men that I saw sitting
Made me gasp in sheer despair!
On the right sat a Muslim guy,
A white turban crowning his head
Black beard longer than a baguette
And his ruck sack filled me with dread
On the left there sat this man
Who wore a three-piece rainbow suit,
He looked as gay as Dorian Gray
So I stood there perfectly mute
Then the gay man spoke so clear
Pointing at the Muslim
Humour sparkling in his eyes
Proclaiming with a wide grin
“Look at him! Look at him!
This Mozlamic infidel!
He looks like old Bin Laden
And he thinks I’m going to hell
He believes all these fairy tales
About Prophets and flying horses
I think that all he needs to do

Is take some Science courses
Look at him! Look at him!
He’s probably got 4 wives
The only thing he eats is curry
He lives an uncultured life
But if all that is what he believes
Well that’s entirely up to him
I can sit in the same space
In equilibrium.
The Muslim then looked up at me
Observing my shock and horror
He pointed at the rainbow man
And spoke like a proper Gora:
“Look at him, Look at him
He is so bloody gay!
I’ve told him that I disagree
But he doesn’t care for what I say

Look at him! Look at him!

This rainbow infidel!

He’s wearing so many colours

They’re giving me dizzy spells!
Although I don’t really approve
It’s his choice what he does
I don’t accept his actions

But he’s human just like us
I follow what I deem is true
I aim to do my best
I hope Allah is pleased with me
As life is a profound test
You may think I am a mad mullah
Who can’t move with the times
At least I don’t change with the winds
So life’s for me sublime
If this man here thinks he’s right
Well that’s entirely up to him
I can sit in the same space
In equilibrium”
I stood and smiled just for a while
Remembering the others
The ISIS man the Nazi man
And the narcissistic brother.
So I weighed up all the choices
In which carriage would I dwell
I’d sit with the Mozlamic preacher
And the Gay man from Tunbridge Wells!