Coz I’m Muslim and I’m British

I really can’t help it

I was born in the Royal Bucks Hospital

As was my future spouse

I went to school with the Catholics

I went to mosque in a Victorian house

Coz I’m Muslim and I’m British

I really can’t help that

When I go back to Pakistan

And see the street fruit vendors

I can’t help it, I recollect

Ian Beale from EastEnders

Coz I’m Muslim and I’m British

Do you really understand?

When I went on the pilgrimage

To Mecca, waiting for the loo

The locals were really scratching their heads

When I said: Oi! Let’s make a queue!

Coz I’m Muslim and I’m British

Despite Tommy Robinson

When I got chased by skinheads

Who screamed my kind should go

In my head was not Quran

But the music of the Benny Hill show

Coz I’m Muslim and I’m British

Despite the call of Daesh

I don’t need to pledge allegiance

For Al Qaida’s notion of godhood

I feel the presence of our Allah

Among the trees of Wendover woods

Coz I’m Muslim and I’m British

You can’t blame me for that

My spiritual realisation

Did not arise in Mecca

It happened witnessing the sun recline

Over the rooftops of Aylesbury cinema

Coz I’m Muslim and I’m British

No one can alter that

Whether UKIP don’t accept me

Or ISIS think I’m a sinner

They can’t erase my memory

Of praying in a field near Pinner

Coz I’m Muslim and I’m British

Let’s just leave at this

My Prophet is from Arabia

My kin are from Pakistan

But my earthly home is in Aylesbury

In this green and pleasant land.